I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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