I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
