ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
