Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize