last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
