took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize