I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
