I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
