I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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