nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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