when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
