I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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