The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
