I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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