why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My bed smells like the plague
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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