my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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