he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
