ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
