all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
