how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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