Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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