You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
