i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
