so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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