I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
