Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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