If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize