I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
