I accidentally had phone sex last night
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
