Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
