just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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