I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
