do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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