sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
