You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just forgot I was standing up.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
