guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
