i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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