Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
