is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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