I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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