The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
