Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
