I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
