Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
whose parrot is this?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
