Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
