Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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