i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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