Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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