I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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