i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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