did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
