Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
