It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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