3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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