if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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