We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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