Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
