I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
