apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
