Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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